Thursday, September 23, 2010

10 'points' in support of new pension Bill

Many people have yapped about the new pension bill, saying it is unheard for someone to wait until they rich 60 years to access their own money. It makes sense to you, perhaps; to me, it is unanderstandable!
In the first place, for you married folks, did you marry your spouses at the age of 12? Definitely no.
So, how long did you wait to get hooked up in marriage with them? On averege, it must have been some 20-or-something years after you were born. What is wrong, therefore, to wait until you reach 60?
For you to overcome your worse fears about the Bill, imagine that 60 (years) is a beautiful lady or hundsome guy waiting for your embrace. Surely, you will not feel the pain of waiting!
Well, that was just a preamble. To dive straight into the so-called controversial matter, here are the 10 grounds I support the Pension Bill.

1. It will solve the problem of divorce in Malawi, since husbands and wives will be nudged by the fear that they may not 'taste'pension benefits if they run away from their spouses. In short, the Bill will keep people together for long, even unto the grave. Amen.

2. HIV prevalence rate will decline further. This is so because people with concurrent multiple sexual partners will think twice, afraid that they may lose out on their own, or spouse's, benefits. Anthu ndiadyera baba! Sangalole kumwalira mwachangu iyayi!

3. It will deliver government from the headaches associated with Social Benefits, in countries where the unemployed receive government 'something' to sustain themselves. Old people (at 60 in Malawi, you have eaten more Nsima than 10 Under-Five children) will have enough money to cry for government help. The government is thus killing two birds with one stone. Clever government. Are you angry? Osaphulika bwanji?

4.President Bingu wa Mutharika, being over 60, is already safe. So, you are the only one crying! Even Prof. Peter Mutharika is 'safe'. Munthu sulira wekha. Tontholani bambo, mayi!

5. Companies keeping your benefits will invest the 'idle' cash in coffin workshops. There won't be anything like burrying people under bath tabs. This will lead to increased employment opportunities for those who don't fear the sight of an empty coffin, or dead bodies. Companies selling airconditioners will also make a killing.

6. People will stop to die. Yes, people will be kept glued to the hope of 'tasting' their own sweat and will not 'afford' to die. So, we will maintain a large population, full of men and women who know how to protect themselves from 'death'. Therefore, condom manufacturers will make more money since anthu ambiri adzipherela waiting for that large chunk of cash rotting as they toil in the sun, just to harvest fresh vegetables ndiwo zamasamba!! Didn't you know there is a farmer in you?

7. Malawians will become 'hopeful' people. A hopeful nation is a happy nation, so there won't be things like UDF task force sealing the party's headquarters in Limbe, as if it belonged to them and their grandfathers. This will reduce cases of gender, and home, based violence since even the tax collector from Malawi Revenue Authority will go about their duties smiling. The tax evader will also get fined smiling! What better deal there is than this?

8. There will be an abandance of cheap labour in Malawi. Let's face it, guys; most of the 'old' guys will have to grapple with the fact that they have to fend for themselves and their families, otherwise achinyamata ena akumalanda magrandmothers mkugwa nawo in love. So, the papa-granny will not take chances but work in the cotton and tobacco fields at woeful wages. This will be good for foreign direct investors and will turn Malawi into a haven of investors because of the cheap labour. The good thing about employing an old man is that there won't be charges of child abuse! We will beat the USA at that, as the folks are fond of yapping that child labour is high in Malawi.

9. The 'idle' cash will be invested in Treasury Bills, and the like, giving government the opportunity to service domestic and foreign debt. Boma lobweza ngongole limalemekezeka kulikonse. So, why are you crying, mpaka thovu kukamwa zomwezi? Iya!

10. Because so many people will be complaining, cases of High Blood Pressure will rise, posing more problems to our public healthcare delivery system. Medical staff will, therefore, go on strike and get their pay raised. After all, the guys who work when demand is high must receive an equal share. It's more pay for doctors, including my uncle. Since the Germans have promised us a 'large' hospital in Zomba, as Prof. Bingu wa Mutharika said the other day, it's our Malawian doctors who will benefit from more pay. Good news, really.

Now, if you feel the Bill is a bad thing, why don't you take some 10 minutes to go outside and cry to Mbona? I am watching you in prayer!

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